I think i peed on brittanys purse
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
