Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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