I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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