Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
