She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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