somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
the liver wants what the liver wants
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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