i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
