watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
