He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
