he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
