Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
