I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
