Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Come on in and take your pants off
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