Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
time to smoke my breakfast
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
