I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
