I am puke
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
