So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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