we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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