farters have to be the big spoon...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You ruined the universe
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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