his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
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you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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