I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
