So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
