Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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