Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
