You kept trying to hail an ambulance
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
