Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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