I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
