Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
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I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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