The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
