I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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