It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
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He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
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Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
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It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.