Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
