do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
