all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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