Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Screwed.edu
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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