my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
