this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
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As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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