Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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