How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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