my phone needs a breathalizer
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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