Will you blow on my dice?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
