I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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