I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
