called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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