did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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