i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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