I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
