have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
