He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
