considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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