Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
